Welcome to my MasterClass

Are you sitting down? Because I am. I’m sitting in an expensive swivel chair (mid-century modern I hope) and I’m wearing a black turtleneck that’s recently been carefully de-linted. You’ll need a lot more than the basic magnification function on your computer to see my greatest imperfections. And if you think for a second that I’d teach this class with dandruff epaulets on either shoulder, well then, you’re not totally off base. I just would’ve worn a white turtleneck as camouflage in that case. 

Hold on, hold on, do you have a pen? I forgot mine. I know this isn't a video call but talking to the screen is weirdly satisfying. Nothing? Good. Never come to class prepared. That's the lesson here. Let's continue, penless. Don't take any notes. Whatever you forget wasn't worth remembering. Remember that.

Today, you’re going to learn about incompetence – the secret weapon of success. It’s served me well enough, for long enough. Not to mention that I’m getting paid enough to do this. You should really take a gander at my contract. But enough of that, let’s get down to business. 

Frankly, I’d like you to teach me. Now I understand this is a video you chose and you’re not prepared. Someone prepared wouldn’t have signed up for this. I get that. But that’s fine. Teach me anything, as long as it’s a subject you know nothing about. Make it up as you go along. Free associate. String nonsense together like the delicate beads of a cheap gift shop necklace. I’ll listen. I’ll take it all in. When it comes to failing, not admitting is half of it. As long as you convince yourself that you did fine, you did fine. But start believing in your own lack of ability, then you’re sunk. Instead, embrace it and use it as your unique power. 

Who has time to become an expert these days anyway? None of you, clearly. The way to set yourself apart is to do less, be less, and think less. You’re not going to catch up with your peers through a sudden burst of bedside Tolstoy. But you can set yourself apart through your ability to affect things negatively. 

I realize that you probably signed up for this class because I put this in the subtitle: “yes, you will absolutely learn the meaning of life.” Now before you get angry, I didn’t lie. Not exactly. The meaning of life is different for everyone. This is the meaning of life. Taking expensive online classes from middling celebrities as if it were the substitute for higher learning. It’s not one-on-one, but it’s more like man’s relationship with God. Only God in this case is doing most of the talking. However, like prayer, the dialogue is titled heavily to one side.

Let this class be the end of your education and the last real learning you ever do. Class dismissed – forever.