No More Do Process

For Americans to abandon their daily hairdo process, most would need either a good-looking sum of cash to stop or a Hollywood-type imagination to envision a combless morning. There’s so much work to be done that it’s amazing we get anything accomplished at all following hours of rinsing, washing and blowdrying. Put down the mousse, step away from the gel, and pay attention.

Do Process, as it’s come to be known, is as outdated as the cultural norms and passé fashions this nation was founded on. Leave it to historians to wrestle with, not you and your loved ones, rushing out the door, minimally prepared for a protracted commute. You may believe that to be a patriotic American, one must put matters of hair first. Didn’t the Founders, you wonder? 

In a way, you’re right. They cared deeply about their above-the-head appearance. But what’s the obvious difference here? These men of means powdered their wigs. The image we have of them is one as truthful as that of a marble statue taking up room on a museum floor. Have you ever seen George Washington’s actual hair, windswept by the breezy Potomac? Of course not. You’ve only seen what he wanted you to see. The same goes for all the others. The Franklins, the Jeffersons, the Bradys. Whether or not they were bald, patchy, thinning or ravaged by lice, the historical record remains rather mum on the subject. We don’t know who they were. We can’t. Yet we’ve deified them without knowing exactly what type of thatched nest was warming their domes. 

If these men were unwilling to show the world their true manes, why should we take their political opinions seriously? I know what you’re thinking. I’m leaving out a certain someone. A politician famous for his trusty bouffant. But part of the reason many people have an easy time dismissing Rudolph Giuliani has been his steady, embarrassingly public transition from comb over to drip over. Put him in a powdered wig and a dry-cleaned robe and the man just become president. That’s who you meant, right? It’s not is it.

As far as that other guy is concerned, well, he became president. And say what you will about his coiffed locks, but it never struck me as authentic. Part of the electoral process should be a charitable head shaving event so everyone starts from equal footing. Maybe footing is the wrong word. How can I trust what shape the economy will be in with a certain pol in charge when I can’t even see the shape of their skull? I’m not here to get under anyone’s skin. Just under their hair. Want to serve the public? Start with a razor.