Polish Jokes that will floor you

What did the jury say to the floor judge? “We, the jury, find the defendant, crummy Linoleum, guilty beyond a reasonable grout.” 

An old janitor walks in to find his young janitor’s apprentice soaking up a loaf of floury ciabatta with some Murphy’s Oil. “Son, stop that, you’re making me sick.” “But you said feel free to polish everything off”

What's the easiest way to buff out a scratch in the floor? Naked.

What was the excuse given to the sloppy handyman varnishing an end table, but mostly shellacking an expensive Persian rug instead? Some people sure can’t hold their lacquer. 

A man walks in on his wife kissing another man. She stops smooching her new beau for a second. However, she doesn’t appear too dismayed at the sudden turn of events. “What’s wrong Bill? I thought you were into poly-stuff.” “I was talking about polyurethane. I reupholster furniture, remember?” 

“Don’t forget people, you should be able to see your reflection in the floorboards. Now start power washing,” said Mr. Fredericks, in charge of cleaning up the space for tomorrow’s wedding. “What’s up with Johnson?” “What do you mean?” “He’s practically kissing the floor.” “Oh that? He’s just a little nearsighted.”

It’s a slow news day in Washington, DC. No parades or protests on the docket. Is there anything else to worry about? Well, a pipe burst on Capitol Hill and a few contractors are crawling around congress ripping out the mildewy carpet, finding ancient kickbacks in the vents. A lone politician stumbles in to assess the progress. Upon seeing the wood boards underneath, the head contractor says, “the floor is yours, Senator.” 

A guy walks into a hotel lobby, promptly slips and cracks his head open on his floor. He’s just laying there in a pool of his own blood as several bellhops frantically try to clean the mess up. He wakes up a few hours later in a haze. “Where am I?” “Do you want the good news or the bad news?” “Start with the bad news. I can handle it.” “Suit yourself. You died, this is hell, and I’m your live-in house demon.” The man, still shocked from the news, asks, “There’s good news?” “Oh yeah, definitely. You family sued the hotel. They never should’ve been polishing the floor it at that time of day. They’re gonna rename the lobby after you. Congratulations.” “Thanks.” “But we should really get going. We got dinner with the Devil for the next 2000 years. Hope you brought your appetite. He can be a real glutton.” 

A high school basketball coach is excited about his top prospect. College coaches are coming from far and wide just to see this kid play in his home gymnasium. Surrounded by the collegiate coterie, the high school coach looks aghast at his the highly-touted recruit using one of the freshman water boys as a mop, washing the floor around the foul line with the poor kid’s soapy crew cut. “Jimmy, what the hell are you doing?” “Nothing, Coach. You just said earlier that I could wipe the floor with anyone in the state.” 

There’s a big banquet tonight happening in a big banquet hall. It’s the first important indoor event there since last March. Everyone involved is a little on edge. People are dusting chandeliers from the rafters or vacuuming the table settings. A flower delivery arrives and the delivery guy, Raphael, is asked to back up the truck as close as possible to the entrance. He sees a baby sleeping on the foyer floor, but doesn’t think anything of it. Then he asks whoever’s in charge where he should line up the bouquets. They say wherever, it’s his call. As he finishes up, he asks, “So, I’ve been wondering, what’s the deal with the baby?” “What do you mean what’s the deal with the baby?” He wasn’t sure how to follow up this response. “He’s sleeping on the floor. What is he, drunk?,” he asks, chuckling a little. No one laughs. “I’m kidding. But his crib is right over there. It just seems strange to let a baby sleep on the floor.” Raphael walks over to the kid and smells his bottle. “This is booze, Jesus Christ. This kid’s sleeping one off.” “So what? It’s not like he’s hit bottom yet. This building has at least two more subbasements.”    

“Please take your shoes off.” “What if I don’t want to?” “You have to. “I can’t. I have a bad foot fungus.” “But this is a bowling alley.”