Tourist Traps

Unlike obedient dogs, tourists come even when you don’t call. They show up unannounced, hauling suitcases and bags of chips, prepared to buy out each store they pass of novelty collectibles. Like disobedient dogs, their mind wanders with their mouths agape, obliviously blocking hydrants and churchyard loading zones (that weekly pew delivery requires clearance for God and deliveryman). But now that cities are starting to welcome in the great unmasked, it’s paramount that each soon-to-be bustling metropolis reintroduce itself in a way that makes a lasting impression. 

Ordinarily, tourist traps are seen as blights by the local population. However, when done right, they keep these out-of-towners ensconced in areas locals abhor. But after a year away, attention spans have grown shorter. In the old days, all you had to do was shine a bright neon light at a band of tourists to get them to drop everything they were doing and dance. 

Coupled with the exodus of city slickers, many are looking for tourists to stay a little longer. There are the normal methods, like offering huge discounts, free desserts, 2-for-1 drinks. But that won’t work with this crowd. Not anymore. In New York, we need to go a step further than previous generations. You want people to stick around? Then start with sticking them around. 

Velcro is not nearly strong enough. You need a good putty (and an even better putty knife) or a fine epoxy material that dries exponentially fast. Ideally, these rubes will be stuck before they realize they’re stuck. That’s when you can get them to sign onto a lease or buy tickets to a show. You entice them with a salad deal or say they’ll be included in a new commercial. Wet cement, or the appearance of it, awakens the inner vandal in us all. Trust me, it makes things a lot easier when they’re all in one place. You don’t want to traipse all over the five boroughs gathering up tourists stuck on sidewalks or tied down across park benches. 

Trap tourists with tape, adhesive or the promise of an undercooked roast. Otherwise, big cities may never come back.