Big Euphemisms

The “Big Game” is barely over and most fans are just waking up. In a sunlit kitchen, they reach into a empty cupboard, a little bleary-eyed and unfocused, looking for the ideal “cereal receptacle.” This is no mere “salad vessel,” but something that General Mills in full military regalia, dreamed of when crunching in milk. On this Monday morning, extra is required to avoid an “awestruck” afternoon.

Last night saw the guzzling of libations, though interestingly enough, they took to the fermented beverage straight from the bottle, and not from a “ceremonial phiale” like many an Ancient Anthenian. Today, there will be no punch served from a “punch tub,” given the previous evening’s unchecked revelery. Rice in a simple “ceramic crater,” might settle the stomach to a point, but not to the degree the party left an emotional indentation. 

With a pantry full of rectangular boxed breakfast food, a “round Roman pasta dish” is not what they have in mind. Nor is a “meat bean basin” meant for a steaming pile of hearty goodness. The fact is, not all “half circular containers” are created equal.  Some people serve rice based on the depth of an individual item’s “concavity.” Despite the obvious vulgarity to the following statement, bathrooms on Sundays like this are more than simple “repositories.” 

No one else is up yet, but feelings of inadequacy and paranoia creep in, settling on the idea that they are living out their days like a “goldish in a glass thing”, gawked at by anyone who passes. This thought passes too, as memories rise to the surface of ancient haircuts during more fashionable times: the crew cut, the head shave, and the “jug do” with its unflattering angles. Then again, “life is just a bag of cherries.”  

Once sated, the subject turns to John Steinbeck, as it often does in the morning, with fantasies of tenant farming and hardship, wondering if they could’ve survived life in the “Dirt Times.”  

Now with a super football season over, most fans occupy their weekends with group recreation like rolling “plastic polyester projectiles down an oily alley.”