Why should I? It’s not like I’m always in the mood for one. You can't have them all the time. Could be the flavor. They often appear when you least expect them, but actually need them the most. When your appetite for something more is feverishly high. When you’re so hungry you’re not even hungry anymore. It’s a zen-like state that tends to occur in the seconds before fainting. But what blissful moments those truly are. It's the reason why I would never own a marble coffee table. For heroes, making bread is a core part of modern economic theory. Basically everyone from Marx to Friedman agrees.
A hero arrives in your life differently. You see one for the first time and think, “who does this serve?” The answer is usually right in front of you, as long as you happen to be looking into a mirror at the time. Despite such discerning taste for the patently heroic, that doesn’t mean I opt for something lesser, like the Philadelphian’s heralded hoagie. I was in my late twenties before I knew that “gyro” was not pronounced with the same g-force needed to get through the word, “gyroscope.” Apparently that delicious mess is nearly a hero but not quite - a yee-ro, as it were.
But that’s not the same and it’s not what we’re talking about. The thing you initially notice about having a hero is that they’re filling. They take up space, looming larger than anything else in the vicinity. For me, one hero is plenty. But some people these days collect them like shopping cart screwballs, building their fortune one five cent beer can at a time. These hero hoarders have watched too many contests from the Coney Island boardwalk, where gluttons stuff their faces for gout and glory.
There are questions that remain unanswered to this day on the subject of heroes. For instance, is the opposite of a hero a villain or a salad? Are there heroes in the United States Congress or is that legislative body another degraded institution that's turned into a genuine parliament of bores?
The best heroes stay with you after your early connection, and long after they are long gone. They’re stuck inside you. While there are medical procedures used to remove them, lobotomies aren’t what they used to be. You’re best off learning to live with the hero. Could you enlist a witchdoctor to start anew? Of course, that's always an option. But since it's a cash business, that can create an entirely new set of headaches. Imagine being left without a hero and with a major tax problem. Whatever spells they say, it’s not worth it.
Heroes get copied all the time, too. But a real hero isn’t simply the sum total of the ingredients therein. There’s another element, one that can’t be quantified and barely qualified. Is it a secret? I can't tell.
Can a hero make you sick? Naturally. When they’re left out too long in the public eye and begin to change shape, it’s probably a wise decision to move on. But the best heroes don’t change for anyone, especially not their environment. Heroes make you want to probably, happily, and easily skip dinner. They keep you entertained. Heroes aren’t force-fed to you during interrogation, but welcomed during downtime. They aren't common either, despite what Subway says.
And a hero isn’t the same thing as a role model. Nor is it the same thing as a roll model. Finding a hero is akin to finding a perfect pair of pants. But not just any pants, but bed pants. You know, pajamas or, I suppose you might call them, "PJs." Clothing that's extremely comfortable to wear around the house when no one is looking, yet something should you wear in public might give the impression that you've lost your mind. Strangers will wonder whether or not you wear night gowns to work and tuxedoes to sleep in. I say, let them wonder. Because other people thinking you're crazy isn't your problem. You're crazy. What do you care?
RIP
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