Step Inside

When you enter someone’s home, any autonomy you may have is left on the doormat, along with the crumbs and the crud. Whether it says “welcome” or “whatever,” there it rests, never to make it all the way inside. It’s not uncommon for hosts to request every guest remove their shoes upon arrival. To them, the sight of well-worn boots holding onto more substance than a typical waffle iron can easily cause an immediate and entertaining psychotic break. It’s rather interesting considering the waffle iron’s iconic place in the annal’s of shoemaking. But walking through a doorframe with more divots than a grass-fed caddy is hardly a good first impression. 

 

Not everyone subscribes to quick and prompt shoe removal, especially for those who foxtrot through life sockless and fancy-free. For some, shoes must stay on despite any obvious mess tracking in underneath them. “You wouldn’t ask Secretariat to remove his horseshoes, would you?” There's a lot I wouldn't ask Secretariat. Including but not limited to his thoughts on fine dining or any opinions on adhesive.

 

I don’t buy into this binary paradigm. For too long, people are either barefoot buffoons or snickering sneakerheads. The truth is that shoes and feet can both be quite dirty and ruin a recent waxing or render a steam clean practically pointless. I have found a solution - and it's not a toxic chemical that strips any foe clean off. Using a series of bespoke Tupperware® containers, everyone from the Timberland obsessed to the naked footman must place either plastic or glass (their choice) around them. Take your shoes off, don’t take your shoes off, either way you’re going to be sitting on my couch, listening to my stories, while wearing Tupperware®. If I like you, I might even let you take the container home for leftovers. 

This way, there’s no politics or arguments around shoes and feet. Everyone is subject to the same demands and since Pyrex sponsors the dinner party, I profit from every social gathering – and quite handsomely. I don't care if you're comfortable. It's my home, after all.