Walk and Chew Gum

Should you follow the news with any regularity, a phrase you’ll hear with disturbing frequency is “walk and chew gum.” It’s supposed to imply that good people, smart people, adult people, are capable of doing two things at once. This feels true enough, but walking and chewing gum isn’t as easy as it sounds. An active display of public mastication. 

The truth of the matter is that most people can barely do one thing at once, let alone two things as disparate as walking and chewing gum. For many within the prevaricating pundit class, simply stringing two words together is considered by their superiors an outright miracle. You wouldn’t expect these individuals to speak extemporaneously on current events, any more than you would imagine one of your appliances to break down the pitfalls of the healthcare system. A talking head has a one track mind, keenly staying in their well-trodden lane. Much like your freezer choosing not to surprise you with a fully-cooked meal. 

One thing is plenty for many. Breathing anyone? But for those of us able to walk and chew gum, we know that both activities come with an array of challenges. For one thing, walking for any length of time can make a person slowly, steadily pick up the pace. Instead of strolling casually past stationary rivals, you’re briskly ambling by. From there you might start jogging, only to run a little, before breaking into a dead sprint. At this point the gum is either dust or partially digested. Obviously, I can do it. Not that I waste time chewing gum. Chewing things you can’t eat is foolhardy. It raises the asme objections I have to mouthwash and snorkeling. Gargling is for the beverage bemused. 

So yes, walking and chewing gum, while out of reach for many, is still an embarrassingly low bar for the intrepid multitasker. Running a marathon and eating a chicken parm – now that’s a dual accomplishment worth touting.