“I am not a fan of dog people,” said the anti-semantite. He never elaborated because he never elaborated on anything. Many in the room wondered if the target of his ire were dog owners, people whose lives revolved around the walking, feeding, and playing with canines. That was what many assumed. That all the time he waited in line at Balenciaga behind customers with small dogs inside expensive purses had sent him in a spiral against the beasts.
But others knew better without him having to explain. They assumed he was referring to people who behaved like dogs. The sort of human beings who scratched and licked themselves in private places in public places. Folks who barked orders at underlings and behaved like mannerless lunatics.
There was an even smaller portion of the room who figured he was referring to secret government experiments that sought to breed man and dog. If dogs were man’s best friend, why couldn’t they be his life partner too? At least that’s who the theory went. These dynamic dog people would have all the same love for tennis balls and fire hydrants, but walk on their hind legs and do your taxes. They could speak the language, though most nuances were still lost on them. The anti-semantite might’ve despised this group because you can’t keep a half man half dog inside a gilded cage. There’s no amount of gold leaf that makes that okay. These scientific marvels should be sitting on your board of directors, not on a rug in front of your fireplace.
Then again, there was a tiny cohort in the room who believed what he was talking about was nothing of the kind. But a subtler subset of the acronym attuned, believed that dog meant “Department of Oil and Gas,” with its people unapologetically driving the planet to environmental ruin. Anything is possible, after it was noted that the anti-semantite drove a Tesla.
Whatever he meant by “dog people,” he’s definitely an idiot, and not the Dostoyevsky kind either. Though you could always say that’s just semantics.
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