Boy did I have a great story for you guys. We’re talking Shakespeare, Hemingway, and Clancy all rolled into one. This was a book for the ages. It would’ve put the Bible to shame. Although to be fair, the Bible is one book that routinely puts itself to shame. So bad example. Too bad for humanity I accidentally deleted it off my desktop and set each hard copy on fire.
It had everything. It had people with two last names (Cleveland Johnson) and people with two first names (Stephen Dan). It had a character who believed that every dining room table can change the world. He called it his “table rasa” theory and argued that the clearing of dirty dishes is akin to a spirtual cleanse. I never got around to naming him.
There were plenty of female characters, so no need to worry. The plot was extremely diverse. There was an action sequence on the deck of a ship, another one inside a private helicopter, and a final one in a state park off season. Characters ate a lot. People eat in movies but in books it’s not as common. You could barely turn the page without one character commenting on the fluffiness of a bagel, the sublimity of garlic, or the viscosity of chowder. In fact, the 37th chapter is entitled, “The Viscosity of Chowder.”
In this book, I had people do things you never see in a book. They read books. In the book, people sat down and read for pages. It wasn’t descriptive either. It was, “Franklin read his periodical for hours.
I saved my work but to keep it from prying eyes I cleverly labeled the manuscript, “Not Important – Please Delete.” I guess that sort of backfired for me this time. It’s worked wonders in the past as a last line of defense against literary operatives on the prowl.
Now I know why Homer never wrote anything down. That way he never had to worry about misplacing pure gold. That and he was blind.
Too bad I can’t remember the rest.
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