On tonight’s episode of “The Tedious British Game Show,” our crack panel of middling talents interrupt the host – me, as I futilely attempt to explain the rules – with predictably phallic references, uninspired puns, and meandering personal anecdotes from bafflingly successful careers. Is everyone ready? Terrific, let’s meet our panel.
The only man from Yorkshire who loathes pudding, please put two to four fingers together and welcome Jack Alistair MacPassion.
JASP: Thank you, thank you. I’m honored to be here. Either that or my agent said he’d quit if I extended my vacation one more week.
To his right is the lovely maiden from all the way up in Edinburgh. But you won’t see her in a kilt. Prunella Vapidity.
PV: I have nothing to say that hasn’t already been said.
On the other side of this faux oaken desk is a man known for not knowing much of anything. Jacques St. Blanc.
JSB: Huh?
You probably have never heard of her, but she’s huge in Denmark. Her highness, D’Arcy D’Alliance.
DD: What a thing to say. I’m on a diet.
The first category is called “Bad Shakespeare.”
JSB: Who?
DD: Tubi or not Tubi, that is the question…about streaming services.
PV: We few, we lucky few, we brand of rich brothers fighting for their father’s fortune.”
JASP: Out damned Spot, outside and find a bush or hydrant. You drank a ton of water with your kibbles.
That’s all for thou tonight. Stay tuned for someone with bad teeth trying to pronounce the longest words in Welsh while a goat whistles “When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.” Cheerio.
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