Everyone from Marty Scorsese to Marty the Dry Cleaner complain about the preponderance of superheroes in cinema. It’s all we see, or, if we’re lucky, don’t see. I never paid much attention to it before. We are definitely in a barrel scraping epoch, with Batman giving way to the likes of Ant Man. I happen to have a list of upcoming films from our spandex wearing marvels. What’s on the docket will surely shock you.
Moss Man
Raised in the forest by squirrels, Moss Man possesses an unmatched ability to camouflage as well as the power to talk to rocks.
Mold Man
Raised by a couple of married cheese mongers in the Loire Valley, Mold Man is never one to settle for cheddar at an elegant soiree. When he thinks upper crust, his thoughts go to one place: crostini.
Plunger Boy
No clog is safe when this young garcon twirls his tool. He’s here to make swirlies a thing of the past.
Mrs. Coffee
Not to be confused with Mr. Coffee, this Jane of java never leaves the house without a strong pot of Joe. Lack of caffeine is her kryptonite. To her, the Boston Tea Partiers didn’t go far enough in their dismissal and disposal of Britain’s favorite beverage.
Aunt Man
Just a guy living with his aunt.
Pack Man
Capable of stuffing your entire wardrobe into a single suitcase.
Paper Boy
He can tell subtle differences between card stocks by smell alone.
Bat Man
Half a wise guy who’s always right around the corner if you skip town after gambling losses with his ledger and a Louisville slugger.
Super Man
He can change a lightbulb and deal directly with your landlord when the animosity reaches its natural boiling point.
Coming to a theater near you.
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