Why hello there. Or should I say bonjour? You're in Paris, right? I'm not in Paris. But I am a fading, middling celebrity devoid of shame and self-awareness. I’ll gladly debase myself in the hopes of getting your approval and hard-earned cash. I’ll say anything you want me to say. Because I don’t believe in humiliation when money is involved. I will joke about past, present and possibly future scandals. I will employ my famous catchphrase either seriously or ironically, depending on what you’d like. I will wish a happy birthday to a pet iguana. And I’ll prepare for each video call by reading your request on the spot. Ready? You gotta pay up front, I don’t do anything on spec. Especially now that I've given up on the arts.
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