Up In Smoke

 

I tend not to subscribe to conspiracy theories, unless there’s a simple way to avoid auto renewal. A year is about all I can take subjecting myself to a daily barrage of fever dreams and wacky beliefs. 

But there is one I am gradually moving towards. It’s that the best way to clean up political corruption is to outlaw cigarettes. Think of how many important decisions have been made by shadowy figures inside smoke filled rooms. The smoke obscures their identity and gives them literal cover from watering eyes. Smoking is part of any good cabal, which makes removing it risky to the natural order of things. 

Vaping, while marginally healthier, does not provide these backroom bureaucrats enough plausible smoke to hide. Where are the shadows that figure into their grand plans? They might smell like a scented candle, but the little light on the end is a homing beacon for all to see. 

Whoever chooses the next president will have to do it from somewhere other than a vape filled room. There’s something strangely comforting about the fate of the world being left to dark overlords with yellow fingernails and cigarette breath. Makes them seem vaguely human.