A Jab Well Done

As many in the country are preparing with open arms to get vaccinated, a new and unexpected worry has come to light. One of the great pastimes during the global pandemic has been to shame and humiliate strangers wherever they may be. Like the best kind of fun, it doesn’t matter which side of the petri dish you happen to fall on. In this famously universal recreation, yelling at someone for not wearing a mask is just as much fun as yelling at someone for wearing a mask. In a way, this activity allows for equitable enjoyment from across the political spectrum. The point is not how you scold, but that you scold. 

However, vaccines are going to change the game. How could they not? You may see someone laughing with a few friends on a picnic blanket, unmasked and unkempt, but that may not tell you much about them. You can’t assume they are shirking their civic responsibility. The same goes for the masked – they may simply be members of a tribe of bank robbing banditti, protecting their identities from public view, not their immune systems. 

Don’t fret though – there are still a whole host of ways to bother people you don’t know. The pandemic has taught us to step in when necessary. It’s fine to confront someone under six feet away if you’re in the right. This can be about anything. Leaving people to their own devices (whether they be smartphones, vapes, or high-end drones) is not a good idea. 

Do not nod at a passing dog walker dragging their pooch along a tree-lined city block. Demand to see their veterinary history. That’s because there are plenty of other vaccines to push on every species. It’s not all needles and nudges though. 

With a little luck and a ton of criticism, we will get through this together. You should be allowed to take issue with someone even if the stakes are unrelated to health. I know when I return to dining indoors I will be, like a cheating student, espying the checks of neighboring tables. Why? To ensure their tips pass muster. Anything under 30% will get a profoundly uncomfortable glare. Anything under 20% will get a string of obscenities. Below that, I will make a citizen’s arrest and cover the rest of the bill. I never would have dreamed of behaving in such a way pre-pandemic. But now, I can’t sit idly by and watch someone do anything I remotely disagree with. I’m compelled to intervene.

Don’t be too sad, believing your days of scolding a rando for coughing on the subway are long gone. Those things are still very much in play. Personal space can always be invaded and what’s deemed selfish remains quite fluid. You can criticize what someone’s reading, wearing, doing. There’s no end to the ways in which we’re now allowed to judge our fellow man (which includes using words like "fellow man). We can’t be asked to form relationships or give people a pass. Too much has happened for us to go back now. Like air, we need judgment to live. 

Shame on.