CSO (Chief Stupidity Officer): Job Alert

Here at Ads Hominem, we’re looking for a uniquely suited (definitely not Armani) individual to fill our latest high-level position. The job is a creation borne out of weeks of discussion and very little listening – our trademark. What the agency needs is a flickering light to guide us through the changes that are most certainly coming down the pike. So who exactly are we looking for to fill the newly-minted role of Chief Stupidity Officer? You? Maybe?

You’re a petty, capricious, and literal thinker. When someone says, “think outside the box” you bring a soggy cardboard package that’s been left unclaimed on your stoop for weeks. The address is illegible, not that you could read it anyway. You know how to read, in an academic sense, but you choose not to. You’re a conscientious objector when it comes to literacy, preferring to have people “come and find you” if their emails aren’t getting through. 

There’s no right age for the job as long as you’re completely set in your ways. You should be influenced by people – you’re a follower – but you should also have an allergy to change of any kind. Your mind wanders and your digressions are painfully boring. Underlings will quit despite promises of material wealth in the face of you retelling the same story about Thanksgiving 1982 and the notorious “turkey baster incident.” 

You don’t trust people. You hate social media, but you spend too much of your time on it. You refuse to take responsibility even when there’s no way around it. You’re a master of deflection. You’re not here to mentor, you’re here to annoy. You’re a rival and a disgrace. You hate collaboration not because you hate people (which you do) but because you have an active distaste for ideas. You just don’t care. Multitask? You can’t even spell it. 

You don’t know what’s going on. You can’t. You’re a moron. Stupidity is in your job title, so you better fit the bill (and you better pick it up). You can’t have some excuse either. No medication, learning disability, or a recent concussion. You must be dumb, in the old-fashioned sense of the word. The less you understand, the less that will bother you.

It’s your job to create more problems than you can solve. You’re not here to help. Think of yourself like a foreign object slowly making its way through your building’s pipes until arriving at a juncture that’s far too narrow to pass. You’re there to clog, to slow things down. Things shouldn’t run smoothly. When the water suddenly rises in a toilet or sink, that’s you, changing the subject for every employee who thought they had control over the situation. Starting fires is far easier than putting them out – and much more fun. And at Ads Hominem, we tossed the last of the plungers out with the fire extinguishers.

Your lack of qualifications are your qualifications. Ultimately, that’s how you’ll get the job. To perform this job successfully is grounds for immediate termination. 

When can you start?