Bag It

  

New York City’s long-awaited plastic bag ban goes into effect today. Weirdly, I’m feeling unusually torn on this issue. Not unlike a frayed, soggy, broken and yolked up grocery bag. I adore rules, bans, and punitive laws of any kind. Sometimes I wish I lived during the roaring 20s, not for the flapper girls or the experimental fiction, but for the Volstead Act. What a humbling time to be alive where practically every home was harboring a criminal. Then again, plastic bags provide nature with a welcomed burst of flare - the eternal answer to fleeting Christmas lights. A tall elm tree is mildly attractive on its own, but throw a couple bags in the mix and you have something truly special and unique. On a windy day, you can revel in the sounds of twig-on-plastic, as the weathered branches contend with their uninvited guests. Too bad plastic bags make lousy hats. While they may look great, though floppy and misshapen, the fit makes breathing a rather labored proposition.   

What I’ve decided, after careful deliberation, is that I’m in favor of the plastic bag ban under one condition – that it’s the first step in a yearlong war waged against holding. My problem is not with plastic bags per se – at least not specifically. If I were in charge of things, and given the present mayoral candidates that’s not a total impossibility, my term would be marked by many important changes. Outlawing bikes, clearing sidewalks for parking, and prohibiting food in the subway would go a long way to freshening up the Big Apple. But the biggest and most lasting change would be to remake the city as a completely hands-free society. 

As it is, we’re too preoccupied with things. Not to mention stuff. Sure, let’s ban plastic bags. But how about banning all bags? I know, you’ll say, “what about canvas totes, denim backpacks and fine leather purses.” What about them? It’s not like anyone needs whatever they're holding. Luggage is for long trips by train across disputed territories and despotic fiefdoms. Whatever you need should fit in your pocket with room to breathe. Modern pants provide at least four pockets. That's plenty.

Now that are hands are free to do and not to carry, find a random person on the street for a sudden catch. It is Opening Day, after all.