Have you read your rental agreement lately? Chances are, if you’re anything like us, you haven’t. You’re using it as bookmark in your dogeared copy of Das Kapital, unread, unseen, and un-understood. Most landlords require 80% of the floor covered by rugs. A reasonable request if you ask us – a multimillion dollar carpet company. It’s about protection, safety, and acoustics - not to mention stuffing our bank accounts. Yet your floors remain conspicuously waxy and bare. But a home is not a bowling alley, where the oil comes into play and where Pete Weber comes to play. Oil belongs on your plate, amongst the lettuce and the kale, the chard and the beet greens – never on the ground between floorboards, left to pool around uneven nails.
We want to stand with you. Really we do. But that doesn’t mean we can’t all lie down on the floor together. While we may not be a mattress company, there are plenty of famous people (names you’d recognize) who’ve spent more than their fair share of debauched evenings sleeping on one of our Persian beauties. Or, as we like to say, horizontal and happy.
It’s our dream that by 2030, every inch of floor space on earth will be carpeted. Not 80%, but 100% - either by a grassroots ballot initiative or Presidential fiat. We must do away with the creaks and the squeaks, the noises that accompany fine hardwood. Our rule is that if you can’t see the floor, you can’t hear the floor either.
But this isn’t merely a statement about wood in response to splinters and spills. It’s about everything that isn’t a rug. No more Tuscan tiles, Roman marble, Lyndhurst linoleum, or cheap laminates. You can have them as long as they’re hidden. When are people going to accept that bare floors are the naked bodies of any room? Obscene and off limits. We wear clothes, why can’t they? Society needs more shame, not less.
The last holdouts are still hanging on to the dream of one night reliving Tom Cruise’s cinematic sock slide. As if recreating this piece of celluloid history will get you any closer to understanding Xenu and the rest of the boys. It won't.
But this will. In order to ensure a more carpeted union, we have four simple demands.
First, we’d like to see waterproof rugs for the outdoors. There’s no reason why a person hiking in the Tetons or Smoky mountains has to literally traipse along a beaten path. They deserve better. They deserve something ornate and rug-like.
Second, rugs are meant to be walked on, not hung on walls. We’d like to see all tapestries removed from stuffy museums and placed in crowded foyers and long hallways no matter how exquisite or expensive. If you wouldn’t put a painting on the floor, then you shouldn’t put a rug on the wall.
Third, every homeowner will receive a staple gun with their annual tax refund in order to do spontaneous carpet repairs.
Fourth, should something unfortunate happen like a broken tumbler in the carpet shattering alongside a bottle of vodka, instead of taking a faulty vacuum out of storage to clean up the mess, we’ll encourage people to add another layer of carpet and call it a day.
When in doubt, sweep your problems under the rug. And then, throw another rug on top for good measure. It can’t hurt. It won’t hurt. But maybe wear shoes for a while, just to be safe.
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