Pander Bear

The pander bear (Ursus panderingalotofthetimus) also known as the shill bear or cater cub is a large subspecies of the obsequious bear, native to nowhere in particular, but at the present moment, inhabiting major portions of North America - anywhere from cafes to houses of worship with a big digital presence as well.

First sighted by lesser-known transcontinental explorer Foulweather Lewis, who wrote in his barely legible journal that, “a larrge bear greated us twodae. Friendley and jovial creature, and apparently a benefactor of Thos. Jefferson’s first campaign for president. Angry when talk of elephants or donkeys came up in conversation.” However, on his way out of the forest, Lewis noticed something different. “Sighted same bear as yesterdae conversing with the Arrowcoy. He badmouthed the Pres. Jefferson and mentioned supporting the British Crown during the War of Independence.” Lewis woke up perplexed and rather dyspeptic from the previous evening’s moldy hardtack. One day, the bear was his friend, the next, his enemy. Lewis never made it to the Pacific Ocean though, turning back somewhere on the West Side Highway when he remembered he’d left the door to his shed open. He never explored after that, though the mystery of the pander bear stayed with him to his death bed.

 

When C-Span started having call-in shows displaying different phone numbers for republicans, democrats and independents, the pander bear would call into all three – cleverly masking his voice. He’d call from a forest pay phone or the forgotten cell of careless campers.

 

The pander bear doesn’t have any identifiable physical characteristics. However, should you find yourself talking to a bear who’s doing a lot of nodding, you might just be in dialogue with one. Even Timothy Treadwell had trouble finding common ground with bears. The trouble is, he threw his lot in with grizzlies and not panders – ultimately proving to be a serious mistake. 

 

Their range is growing, slowly, probably due to the spread of outlets like Netflix and Hulu, giving them more room to gratify their insatiable need to agree. Plus, we’re still waiting on the species test results for several late night talk show hosts. The finding should be illuminating. Would explain a lot.