Get The Wrong Idea

When you have a list of great ideas, it’s important to safeguard them at all costs – especially from other worse ideas. You can’t risk them sputtering away into nothingness, polluting by idiocy – not when your bonus depends on it. So each of us has time-tested techniques of keeping big ideas satisfied. Some build them up out of Legos or wooden blocks, providing something to hold onto with both hands, and if need be, break in a furious huff.

Others like to name their ideas. But they don’t respect ideas in the way they respect human beings. Instead of giving them actual names, real names, they flip through a pun book seeking out the lamest word tricks. That’s not how it’s done. We all started out as ideas. Ideas are a lot like children, even precocious ones, in that most peak around four.   

I worked for a pretty big map company back in the day. Out of respect for the fired, I won’t refer to them by name except to say that their name rhymes with Grand McSally. My team came up with a winning idea – everyone loved it. The security guards loved it. The CEO loved it. It was the first time in my experience where debate consisted of a few thumbs up and lots of unrelated gossiping. 

At my insistence the winning idea was referred to quite plainly as John Atlas. It wasn’t because we sought to landmark every porta-john in the five boroughs either. John just worked. It was simple and it felt safe not to overthink things. Several colleagues of mine who shall remain nameless (Moron #1, Dope #3) wanted to call it “Mercator Perfection” or “Map Genius.” I remained steadfast in my defense of John. John is a great, simple name. 

We wanted to get cartography taught in schools again. Something we thought was easy enough. As I explained over and over to members of the Globe lobby, “while the world isn’t flat, walls and tables certainly are. Maps are just easier for students to grasp.” These people didn’t seem to care. They just wanted bigger and bigger globes, one in the gymnasium, another on the soccer field. Is this what Galileo wanted? 

Is it any wonder that cartographers haven’t had steady work since the 18^th century? I thought John Atlas was going to change all that. Turns out a pun might’ve been better. The whole experience was a real map in the face.