Slamming Doors

At the natural end of any argument between two people, when all the points have been made and all the counterpoints have been remade like a messy bed without a single hospital corner, words no longer suffice. They are tasteless, useless accoutrements, stuff you get for free in a bag of swag at any overly-air-conditioned convention center. No, you need something more. You need an exclamatory action that is sufficiently emphatic yet non-criminal. It is, as any amateur sewer mending a broken vest will tell you, quite the needle to thread. Because sirens and handcuffs are not the addendum anyone wishes for their closing argument.

However, there is a non-verbal method of argumentation that predates civilization, one that’s well-tested and well-liked. I’m talking of course about slamming doors. You want to make a strong case for something? Then check your hinges first. A door falling off the wall negates the impact of any fiery exit. 

In the early days, say, when man lurked in caves or clay huts, the slamming of doors took more than gusto. It took time. There weren’t many doors, you see. You could spend all day searching for the perfect rock slab to awkwardly fit across a dwelling’s wide opening. Long before open office plans, early man survived without so much as a saloon door or blinds to maintain their sense of privacy or independence. The risk was greater, too. Hernias and fractured limbs were the standard cost of sealing up a cave. It wasn’t just the end of the argument then – it was the end. Unless your opponent had an innate sense of spelunking giving them the rare ability to find a new exit, there was no getting out. This made it non-criminal on a technicality, since the police state in those days mostly involved clubbing. And not the kind with wristbands and velvet ropes either.

Still, your point was made. Anyone able to close a door closed off any opposition as well. After Martin Luther nailed his theses to the church door, he slammed it shut. That was, for lack of a better term, his often overlooked 96^th thesis.