Safe Spaces for Billionaires

As was predicted some time ago by an ancient nomad furiously scratching onto a hard surface, billionaires are heading for space. They are bored, tired of money, fed up with people, exhausted from the sparkle of micro-gastronomy, and now looking to the stars for happiness. Critics might argue that it doesn’t count as “going to space” unless you get out and take a stroll. Without a spacewalk, you're not really in space. I tend to agree. If you drive to the beach, you need to touch your toes through sand for it to count. Turning around on a dead-end street, rolling down the window a crack to catch a wisp of salinity isn’t nearly enough to regale your co-workers Monday morning about a seaside adventure. You might as well have watched the surfers, swimmers, and denim-wearing drone-operators through binoculars. Like the cabbie is wont to say once you’ve handed them a fistful of quarters and demanded he shut off the meter, “where to?”

Bodegas

For most billionaires, a bodega or “convenience store" is a foreign destination, more unknown than a distant nebula. They’re cramped, sure. But any more so than the latest intergalactic space module? Here you can buy beer, e-cigs and a decent banana.  

Sidewalks

This is a tricky one. The winding concrete paths that surround their palatial Western compounds do not count. We’re talking about ones with paper boys tossing digital readers into sprinkler heads, neighborhood dogs bounded by electric fences, and stop signs in favor of traffic lights. For most billionaires, the last time they walked the streets was as hundred millionaires, which means it might take some time adjusting to the modesty. 

Kitchen

Tell the personal chef to take the day off and poach an egg themselves for once.

Parades

Since most of us have the appearance of either French heritage or a deep and abiding love of snails, today would be a good day to inquire about participating in your local Bastille Day celebration. Most towns do something on July 14^th, everything from dramatic readings of Le Petit Prince and meditations on Lafayette’s cultural influence to eating foie gras for meal and adopting a cartoonish accent for the entire day. C'est bon.

Public Transit

It’s true, most billionaires like to keep themselves hermetically sealed off from the populace, far from coughing fits and autograph seekers. But now’s the time to ride the bus with everyone else and take their chances.

Park Benches

When’s the last one of these knuckleheads sat down, fed some pigeons and people watched? 

Beds

Most billionaires are incapable of deep sleep, afraid too many zs will get in the way of their futile quest for immortality. Many are members of the aspiring undead, vampiric and sleep-deprived. When they do sleep, it’s standing up with their arms crossed awkwardly and their molars showing. Why not show they still crash in a regular bed every so often? 

Bathroom Lines

When's the last time they had to wait in a line to relieve themselves? This is a universal part of being human, and one, should they return to space, they'll wish they had considered a bit more seriously.