Chant Even

In the year of our bored, burned-out populace, 2021, you wouldn’t necessarily know it by reading the news, but crowds are very “in” right now. Despite rules mandating space between people, it is seen as high-minded and noble to stand in a circle and yell about something, anything. 

Like all things worth doing, from sautéing pine nuts to removing lug nuts, there is a right way to do this and a very, very wrong way. No protest or political gathering is complete without a chant. A chantless parade of meddlesome malcontents is like music with no music. What’s the point of saying what you feel without saying it in a catchy way? 

Rhythmic clapping, though perfected by the band Boston, following the supremacy of whistling and humming in recordings, has reached a new apex by rank amateurs in the streets. I used to think that getting a song stuck in someone’s head was a mortal sin, but I have come to understand that it’s a forced gift. Gifts are something we don’t mind being forced upon us. 

Chanting has its roots in the monastic life. Though I wish more protestors found the time to distill their own liquor instead of pilfering it from a store inexplicably without a front window. When chanting, the purpose is not to inform, but to annoy. Over time, through constant repetition, they will realize the error of their ways and the information buried into the chant will start to seep in. 

Some swear by the efficacy of puns, others are devoted to the pulsing beat of a good rhyme. Whatever your preferred mode of chanting becomes, the only thing that matters is repetition. Say it over and over, until you need to take a water break. Your mouth should become so dry, the words barely come out. 

Chants are not about making cogent arguments, but creating an atmosphere of madness. While I’m not here to do all the work for you, I can offer up a few examples of how I would go about chanting in the public square. Imagine you’re standing in New Orleans, an out-of-work sous-chef, worried about the sudden sentience of your bubbling creations, “stews will not replace us” or the simple, “roux do you think you are?” or even the popular, “no more gumbo mumbo jumbo” (a personal favorite). The always popular, “hey hey, po’ po’, tasteless menus have got to go.”

Come to think of it, one thing that has never been tried is a chant of silence.