Lunching Down

You were probably planning on taking a long, leisurley lunch break this Friday. One with plenty of libations and nominal glances in the direction of your inbox. Winter, for you, is when you see friends on the company’s dime and pointlessly wander the streets on the company’s time. Not anymore.

Because you are cordially invited to a Corporate Sanctioned Human Resource Approved Non-Denominational Holiday Luncheon. It’s unclear why we’re choosing to have a “luncheon” this year versus a regular ol’ lunch, but an extra syllable never hurt anyone. Except when the floridly profane give the Son of God a middle name, one he shares with the likes of Bucky Dent (in greater New England). 

Since it’s been a while since we’ve all been together in one place (under one roof and one evacuation route), therefore, in an effort to reduce awkwardness, we’re instituting several activities sure to make your time chewing much more pleasant.  

That means we won’t be doing the usual conversation – asking questions, answering questions. We won’t be getting to know each other by gentle, polite interrogation or reconnecting over a shared appetizer e.g. what is that, marinara? I love marinara. Time is too precious, as we’ve all learned. We want to rekindle the old flames of office culture into a blazing inferno of corporate responsibility (be mindful of the emergency exits). 

There will be games. Lots of games. Charades, pictionary, pin the tail on the accountant, and a live-action version of Monopoly where one lucky individual gets to wear a monocole for the entire meal. 

 

There will be also be cash gifts. The company doesn’t want any chiselers. Instead of giving you a bonus this December, we expect you to pony up for a White Elephant deal, exchanging presents with people who you hardly know and in some cases, have never met. Don’t arrive empty-handed.  

Lastly, we have several colleagues who are in need of money. Maybe they’re getting married in the New Year, having a kid or two, buying a house, or thinking of finally ordering a case of Chateau Margaux 1986. So bring your checkbook and multiple lines of credit, unless you want icy stares to complement the wind chill.

We’ll draw straws (organic and totally sustainable) to see who picks up the tab. Expensing lunches is a thing of the past, unfortunately.

Happy Holidays.