Old Man Nuclear Winter

 

First of all, he is not to be confused with Old Man Winter. So let’s get that straight right off the bat. He hates the very idea of it. The way Dick York once felt when someone mistook him for Dick Sargent, the woebegone, second Darrin Stephens. The show's loyal audience was hardly bewitched by the latter’s performance. 

Old Man Winter is a seasonal, foulweather friend, turning to hibernation as a form of annual security. This is not the case for the other guy, whose judgment is often mushroom-clouded by external events. Look, Old Man Winter is a sap. He’s overjoyed during mild flurries or an icy road where black ice glows under the morning sun. However, this is a deity without real imagination. The guy can control the weather and he rarely has any fun. He never strays from his comfort zone. When he’s really bored, I mean, completely stuck, he might bring some snowflakes into May – but that’s about it. A few tropical islands could get a sense of what winter partisans are always raving about in the form of a midday snow gust. But most people treat such anomalous weather happenings as comical at best, annoying at worst.

They don’t take them seriously. Not so for Old Man Nuclear Winter. Most of the time, he does nothing. He sits on his throne, knowing that the specter of nuclear annihilation is better for his brand than an actual apocalypse. If there’s no one left to fear you, what good is fear? Old Man Nuclear Winter didn’t first appear on the scene with Oppenheimer, Fermi and the rest of the Nobel savages scurrying around Los Alamos. He’d been around for years.

Ever heard of Vesuvius? Before he was nuclear, he was positively volcanic. His temper has cooled over the years, and those who’ve felt his wrath must deal with the fallout. It’s never pretty. I take that back. It is quite pretty, in a sublime sort of way. 

The two Winters run into each other at holiday functions or in the homes of mutual friends. They share a good deal of acquaintances. If you think the world is small in your little patch of earth? Picture the deity circuit. Everyone attends the same benefits, charities, autograph signings. At least today is the shortest day of the year. As Old Man Nuclear Winter always says, "it's over quick." And it doesn't matter what "it" is. Though considering who said it, safe bet he's talking about  the atom bomb. Just a hunch.