The Year In Review

At the tail end of another tumulutous year, the tailed and tailless alike prefer to take refuge in the calculated comforts of lists and reviews. It is, they say, furry appendange of not, the only true way to assess the previous twelve months. How’s that? By tallying things that took place during the year. Looking into the past isn’t the same as living there – though it’s unquestionably in the same neighborhood. These people are ones to dwell, at least during the duration of the holiday season. An excuse they never tire of giving more than giving gifts.

Troubling as it may be, most see their duty to rate subjects no one cares about. Books, television shows, movies, music, this is what dominates the end of year. Rightly or wrongly, most assessers choose events that took place in the middle of the year. Whatever happens in January is ignored in the way, standardized test takers get shaken when they fill in too many As in a row. Of course, this is nothing more than ancient superstition rearing its mildly attractive head in the throes of modern times. 

For my look back, I’ve ignored all those things usually focused on, picking people and things too often overlooked in favor of album releases and fillm premieres. Here are the three accolades I have the honor of giving out for 2021  

Best Parking Job: Santiago “Bert Rubber” Trafficante, Bronx, NY

I have often been accused of having an “east coast bias,” referring to large portions of the country as “drive-thru” states, belittling provincial pride belying territorial triumphs. But here’s the thing. Parking in New York City, while fraught with obstacles, requires certain dexterity and self-denial that parking elsewhere simply does not. In parts of the Midwest, a toddler could parallel park a Mack Truck in most downtowns without coming anywhere near opposing vehicles. If the term “wide open spaces” isn’t about parking, I don’t know what is. In New York, specifically in the Bronx, with its topographical variance, the degree of difficulty must be accounted for when reviewing parking. In the old days, this award was given out based on word of mouth. Now, thanks to the surveillance state upgrades, footage of pretty much every parking job from subpar to par excellence is readily available.

Best Handshake: Janice Hartsdale, Norman, OK

After about two years off, Janice returned to manual normality with a good grip on reality. Where most people swapped out pumps for bumps, she went in like a person despearate for human contact. Her handshakes remind me of James Gandolfini early in his career, often shining despite mediocre material. It’s why her partners aren’t even worth mentioning. 

Best Yell: Federico the Howler Monkey, probably Guatemala, but without a mailing address, it’s hard to know

I thought about giving this award to the fine falsetto of a furious activist or someone else within the species at-large. But, time and again, I kept coming across entries from wolves, crows, and monkeys. The problem with people is that they say too much, which is to say, anything at all. Animals, on the other paw, don’t waste a breath on making some clever statement. Their screams are truly primal and worthy of our praise. Maybe one of us can catch them in ’22.