From a stuffy attic somewhere over Grand Central Terminal, amid the mothballs and canned peaches, a little known game show once broadcasted. Its signal is only now returning to earth…
John Weekly: And now, What’s…My…Crime? Brought to you by Bleach, for when your alibi can’t clean up the mess.
*Applause
John: Let’s meet our award-winning panel. First up, you know her from police blotters coast-to-coast, the crown princess of criminality, Ms. Dorothy Killsomeone.
Dorothy: To my left, is the punitive and petty young penman, the veritable voice of villainy, Mister Bennett Curfew.
Bennett: Why, thank you. And to my left is a very lovely actress on the stand, having pejured herself more times than I can count, Ms. Arlene Tapdances.
Arlene: Wonderful, just wonderful. According to a recent issue of Wrong Doers Magazine, our moderator was described as having possessed paplable hostility to some of the contestants litany of misdeeds, only able to soldier on after reviewing his check. So to my left is the hostile host of this provocative program, our own angry young man, John Monthly Weekly.
John: Thank you so much panel and good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Tonight, were going to begin with our mystery guest. Are those blindfolds and ballgags firmly secure, panel?
*Inaudible gasps
John: Good, good. Remember to remove the gags when you want to speak, panel, so we avoid last week’s unintelligble debacle. Please sign in on the chalk out line, mystery guest.
Guests signs in to a smattering of claps and gasps.
John: For this portion of the show, we dispense with any nonsense and get right down to it. The first question goes to Ms. Killsomeone. Take it away.
Dorothy: Mystery guest, did your alleged crime occur on a sweltering day?
Guest: No.
Bennett: Did it occur in a city famous for wind?
Guest: Yes.
Bennett: Were you out attempting to get a latenight snack in Chicago?
Guest: Yes.
Bennett: Was it a famous Chicago style hot dog?
Guest: No.
Arlene: Mystery guest, was your food of choice Chicago style pizza?
Guest: No.
Dorothy: Was it a Chicago style Italian beef?
Guest: No.
Bennett: Would you describe the food with the words, “Chicago style?”
Guest: No.
Arlene: Was it a sandwich?
Guest: Yes.
*Applause
Arlene: Did you leave this sandwich at the crime scene?
Guest: No.
Bennett: Mystery guest, I am so curious about your relationship with this sandwich.
John: Panel, one more question on the sandwich. Time to move on. This is a live show.
Bennett: Sorry, John. It’s just so odd. Here’s a man, outside in the cold, in a Midwestern city…
Arlene: I remember the story, but I can’t for the live of me recall this fella’s name.
Dorothy: It’s the strangest thing. I can picture him perfectly well, his face, but nothing about his name or occupation.
Bennett: Me neither.
Arlene: Mystery guest, you’re so mysterious.
John: Well, this is a first. Sorry, mystery guest, but it’s time to slink back behind the curtains into relative obscurity. Looks like your time in the spotlight is up. Thanks for coming by. And thank you panel for a valiant effort. Until next time on…what’s…my…crime?
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