Our next contestant hails from the small town of Mercury Flats, Pennsylvania, legendary for naturally occurring thermometers, found near upturned rocks, not all that far from Main Street. She’s listed as being 6’6” in heels, 7’0” in sandals, and 5’4” “on a good day.” She sang backup for Peter Gabriel’s first solo record and worked on the International Space Station as a visiting spiritual consultant. She’s been known to give chocolate to dogs and garlic to cats, two definite no-nos, but for whatever reason, any legal consequences have eluded her thus far. She claims to be related to both the Rothschilds and the Rockefellers. Let’s welcome her to the stage with a round of applause.
What makes you unique from the other contestants? It says here that you were instrumental in the birth of the Internet and you helped make the first reusable tote bag. Interesting.
What would you do to enact world peace? You’d tightly control speech and the dissemination of information. I see.
Why should you win this pageant? Apparently, you’ve been ordained by God to win. I want to apologize to all the other contestants who came out here today for a fair competition. It seems as though the result has been decided by higher ups before any of you arrived. We appreciate you coming out but want to let you know…
Put your hands together for Miss Information, your new winner and national arbiter of truth. Don't get on her bad side, people. Yes, I'm looking at you, Miss Steps.
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