Ocean PSA

With the beach on the horizon, this is an important message. Although, if we’re being precise, beach season is on the horizon, since what’s out there in the distant sea are mostly mirages and frigates. Scrounging seagulls and lost souls. Stupid boaters and smart sharks. But as many households start buying up swim trunks and floatation devices at an alarming rate, we should extend this conversation well past the tide line. As an institution the ocean has been more of an impediment to success than a facilitator of it. What was easier? For the cave people to cross an ice-covered land bridge or the easily confused explorers bounding across the waves for the possibility of more land? 

Here's the thing. This is not about the ocean. It’s about our standards. When talking about the sins of the Catholic Church, no one gets a pass. Other organizations are endlessly criticized for slip ups and mistakes. Yet, there’s never been a tsunami in human history that’s put a damper on roving bands of beach going co-eds. We look past the obvious, often at our own peril. 

These are not isolated incidents. As much as people want to believe otherwise, with their flippers and swimmies, we’re land creatures. There’s no amount of lectures from a sunburnt surfer that can change that. I can’t be convinced that the sea is our natural home. Walking comes naturally to us (while running and swimming do not). No one teaches you to walk, after all. 

The ocean is painfully and irrevocably problematic. Shark attacks, rip currents, sand storms, and those annoying beachgoers who insist on bringing boomboxes all contribute to the tragic portrait of a terrible place. People only go on the sea to get to other land masses – the goal is not simply to find more water. If anything, the preponderance of water is cause for concern. Whereas, the mere sight of land creates a frenzy on deck. 

Water's great, but not this water. You can't it drink it. It taunts us, daring us to take a swig. Stick with Poland Spring, since there are associated storms to speak of.