Ahem to that

 

Look, I realize that this party is dwindling in numbers, with most guests either passed out on a variety of different surfaces or a variety of different substances. However, I thought you should know that I’m leaving, too. While I had my eye on the marble countertop, some unconscious reveler had his face on it already. He beat me to the slab. I heard that the bathroom tile would have been a nice substitute, but the doors have been locked for hours. You might want to call the paramedics. As an animal lover, I could’ve chosen to step inside one of your dog’s spacious crates (who, like Saddam Hussein before him, sleeps in a different location every evening), but I thought better of it. I’ve never liked cages, no matter how gilded they are. 

The problem is, if a person says goodbye and no one’s awake to hear it (or sober enough to remember it), did it really happen? I’ve been wondering the same thing, straddling the doorframe for the last few hours, preparing my exit. The public gave George Washington their undivided attention during his farewell address. Don’t I deserve a similar level of respect? 

I never even wanted to attend this party, but felt it was a good place to make connections. You can’t ignore the many doors that open after a little networking. But that was before I noticed the bathroom was locked. 

I can’t be here anymore. I can’t have people think I’d be associated with an event like this. I mean, it’s nearly December and all the ice in the mixed drinks have melted. That didn’t used to happen. And I can't be around this many empty plates and lukewarm appetizers any longer. 

Like a good wedding or a better alibi, I could really use a witness. Only I’m not sure who will come to before sunup. 

I’ll leave you with a bit of philosophy from my second favorite Tom (after Chapin, of course). St.  Thomas Aquinas argued that once a law is announced, everybody in society must follow it, whether they heard it or not. Ignorance is no excuse. The fact that I’ve tried to promulgate my departure means you have to acknowledge it, preferably to paid subscribers.