Take 2: The Case Against Travel, only funny

 

When making a case against anything, especially something like travel, it’s important to avoid the typical pitfalls found in the posturing of an associate philosophy professor. Staying put, as it's known, is wise and safe. Unless you’re inside a burning building. Then again, if the fire department does their job, it’s only a matter of time before a smoke-filled rescue. 

 

My problem with traveling is a matter of tourist behavior. It’s everything else. The clothes people wear on vacation – from floppy hats to fanny packs – represent a violation of good fashion sense. Instead of dressing for an occasion, they dress for comfort. The airport, with its preponderance of yoga pants and track suits has become a sweatier locker room, full of casual nomads leaving few contours of their bodies to the imagination. 

 

When I say, “traveling is bad,” I am not limiting it to human activity either. I’ve had enough with the privilege of birds and their annoying migratory patterns. You like Florida so much, then stay there. If being hit with avian defecation is good luck, tell that to my designer jeans, encrusted in seagull excrement. Seriously, they are sentient and deserving of respect. My pants that is.

 

I don’t like the life cycle of salmon, returning home to spawn. Go out young fish and see the world. The shifting of tectonic plates is another example of traveling gone awry. What capriciousness is found in the earth’s crust. Why can't our restless planet simply sit still? Earthquakes are a form of offensive travel that no one asked for. 

 

The sedentary have the right idea, sinking into their couch cushions while binging on reality TV. They are save, unless the roof caves in. 

 

Space travel is weird and pointless. It’s an expensive joyride around the block, just without good food and drink. 

 

And what doomed the dinosaurs again? Oh yeah, it was a traveling asteroid, a rock skipping through the galaxy until it broke something. This is no different from neighborhood school children pelting an abandoned factory until someone shatters a window. How'd that turn out?