Errorist Attacks

Chuck Knoblauch wasn’t an errorist. As the starting second basemen on the legendary late 90s New York Yankees, Mr. Garlic  (a nod to his Teutonic forebears) or Blauchhead (a nod to his mental and physical lapses) inexplicably developed an inability to reach first base. Instead, he could easily hit hot dog vendors and unassuming fans with each errant throw. This former Gold Glove fielder found himself lost. But an errorist is something far more sinister and significantly dumber.

The label, “errorist,” has become a loaded term in recent years. Do we classify your snooty Uncle one after he confuses a fruity shiraz for a young Beaujolais? Traditionally, no. Errorists should be reserved for the breathtakingly wrong. The stunningly out of step, whose colossal mistakes make your stand in awe, mouth agape with spittle galore. You don’t attempt to wipe the drool from your chin, preferring to let it stain your recently pressed dress shirt. What a statement that is. For truth as well as your dry cleaner. 

Anyone can be misguided or a little bit confused. You can refer to your favorite sports team using the pronoun “we.” While you wear a jersey, you never seem to get any playing time. As much as it pains me to say it, you can refer to the Rockaways as “the best part of Brooklyn” despite it clearly being within the sandy boundaries of Queens.  A group of terrible tennis players shouldn’t be considered errorists either. And no amount of foot faults or obscenities hurled at line judges can change that.

Errorist organizations are different. They attack facts, truth, good old fashioned common sense. They are calculated and deliberate in their unwavering commitment to the propagation of falsehoods. What’s remarkable about the errorist as a type, is they think they’re right. That’s the difference between them and the likes of Chuck Knoblauch. He knew he was wrong as his bad throw spilled the beer and popcorn of paying customers. These people do not. They think they’re right, perhaps doing God’s work. But thinking and wishing doesn’t make it so. 

Since, ya know, they’re obviously, clearly, fundamentally, factually, and morally wrong.