Too many people take for granted the domineering presence of the bass in contemporary music. Whether it’s jazz, rock, hip-hop, or the auto-tuned stylings of major pop stars, there is always that mindless beat thumping away in the background.
What if you were told that the bass is a useless, superfluous, and utterly pointless addition to the Great American Songbook? We don’t need it. But to liberate ourselves and welcome a more just, bassless future, we need your help.
And by help, we mean money. Our goal is to collect every bass on the planet and set up a large bonfire on the quadrangle just off University Avenue. However, that won’t be enough. The basses currently in circulation are merely one hurdle in achieving our goals. We also need to stop production of basses at both the factory and the artisanal level. To wrest ourselves of the instrument’s clammy grip on civilization, we need to reverse centuries of rhythmic oppression. There is nothing a bass can do that a piano cannot do better. Little drummer boys have been essential to military formations since the dawn of man. Not so for little bass boys.
But at the Center, we believe in changing the past as much as shaping the future. That’s why we are working with ASCAP and BMI to remove the bass from recording history through precision re-editing. Additionally, we are working on stopping the pernicious conservatory-to-bassist pipeline. So many young people choose bass because it’s there. It’s way to stay in the background and go unnoticed. At the Center, we’ve taken notice and we you will do with a tax-deductible donation.
How are things going? Great, thanks for asking. Our growing portfolio of anti-bassist mission statements is growing with bandleaders across this flawed nation adopting them. We hop that this becomes a prerequisite for every audition at any orchestra. First, you must demonstrate a commitment to the tenets of anti-bassism, then you must make us a substantial donation.
By working together, our children and grandchildren might grow up never having to hear a lone bass note. Cash, checks, gold bricks accepted.
No comments:
Post a Comment