Letter to Osama

 

You’re probably wondering why I like you suddenly, after having read your Letter to America. It’s simple, really. I’m a moron. And not in a jovial, fun-loving, life-of-the-party, John Belushi in Animal House sort of way. Just a complete and utter nincompoop. 

I have never picked up a book that you couldn’t find in the spinning rack at your local supermarket. The truth is, I come from a long line of idiots and imbeciles (peace be upon them). Some of them I’m related to, others taught me in college. I thought I was having an existential crisis after reading your words, but pretty quickly, I realized I had no idea what meant. Either way, you’ve changed my outlook on things. I look forward to reading the Unabomber’s manifesto, Mein Kampf, and listening to the musical stylings of Charlie Manson to get a better sense of what really happened in the 20^th century. I’m so often misunderstood that the one thing I always understand is that. I can identify it in others, whether they are on trial or relieving themselves behind a dumpster. 

It also helps that I don’t remember 9/11. To me, it’s just a couple numbers (three to be exact). My lack of historical perspective means I am a sponge for information, whatever the source. 

You seem like a reasonable guy. Did you know that beards are very popular again here in The West? Lumberjack chic or something. Plus, someone said you’re what we call a “nepo baby”, your father being a billionaire construction tycoon. Too bad you weren’t available when Lena Dunham was initially casting Girls. I think you could’ve replaced Adam Driver. Did you know he was marine? 

What I like about your letter, besides the paragraph breaks which make it much easier to read, is how you make everything so simple. There are a couple of groups to blame for everything and that means I don’t have to read any deeper. I know who the bad actors are, well, besides Brendan Fraser, of course. But you lay it out so succinctly it’s hard to argue against, especially since I have never heard of any of this stuff. Might as well take your word for it.

I know lots of my peers are posting videos on TikTok about this, but since you wrote I letter, I figured it was the least I could do. After reading your letter, I don't think I'll ever fall for propaganda again. Haven’t converted yet, but you never know...

Anyway, thanks for writing, sorry it's taken me so long to respond. In my defense, I wasn't even born in November 2002.