Santos Claus

 

I know it’s still November and we haven’t reached Thanksgiving yet, but your old friend, Santos Claus, is here to wish you a very Merry Christmas. And I have gifts to deliver to all the good little boys and girls. But first, a few words...

You’re most likely wondering where my sleigh is. It’s in the shop as we speak, being repaired by non-unionized elves. If you think the discourse is getting polarized here in America, come to the North Pole and see the difference. Where are my reindeer? That’s another great question. They are next door waiting on the paperwork from the sleigh. I try and delegate things.

Where’s Kris K. you ask? He watched everything unfold with my successful campaign last year and decided to throw his support my way. As someone who didn’t even grow up with a chimney, it was an especially moving moment. 

I thought about bringing presents and wrapping each one individually, but I’d rather take down your list now and use my Amazon Prime account. They still offer free two-day shipping all throughout the holiday season. I realize many of you are underage and don’t yet have full-fledged bank accounts, but some of you probably have allowances. Am I right? Well, I want to let you in on a little secret. The associated costs of Christmas have gone up for everyone, which includes Kringle himself. due in part to inflation as well as poor financial planning. Yeah, I said it. So the reality is, if you want really good Christmas presents this year, I am going to ask all you to make a small donation into my reelection fund. 

Instead of a collection plate, here is my Venmo. Cash is always appreciated. I hope the funds help put me back in office, I mean, buy what’s left on your wish list.