Aren’t you going to offer our guests some lemonade? They came here all the way from prison just to see us. No, they weren’t released by the state. They saw an opportunity or maybe it was more of an opening. You remember the tunnel by the latrine that emptied on the outside of the walls? What you were in for again? Tax problems, yes, that was it. You need to pay those next time.
They weren’t incarcerated for financial irregularities. Their crimes were more primitive in nature. They went with their gut, instead of the gut of their crooked accountant. Ask if it’s all right to hang up their coats. Don’t say anything about their balaclavas though. Yes, of course I understand it’s extremely humid out. But facial recognition technology being what it is, most people would rather sweat than be identified.
What’s with the air in here? The AC is broken again? I told you to get that fixed last year. Ask permission to bring up grandpa’s old fans from the basement. Sure, make the joke about sticking your hands into the barely obstructed blades. To me, it’s still more social commentary than a joke. Why? Because you’re wondering aloud why more baby boomers didn’t have their fingers lopped off during sweltering summer nights. Just get the fan, please. Thank you.
They’re still standing when there’s plenty of room on both couches. The rocking chair is an antique. I wouldn’t let a kitten sit on it. Keep the blanket over it before they get any ideas. What are you looking at me for? You know where the sock drawer is. Go get a bunch. I’m sure they’re clean, no one in this house has played soccer in decades. Gather an assortment so they have several things to choose from.
We don’t have rope. We do, however, own several bungee cords. Somewhere in the garage would be a good guess. Why is he pointing at the red phone? Make something up. Say it’s an art thing. Warholesque or whatever. The truth would not be a good idea. Can’t imagine why telling your captors we own a direct line to the police department would end up backfiring.
What happened to the newspapers I told you to save? For grilling, remember? We burn the stuff to get the charcoal going. That’s too big of a smile for a ransom photo. Tone it down. Be natural. You’re not Patti Hearst. I guess a time-stamped tweet will just have to do.
Are they hungry? There’s some leftover bread pudding. They don’t like bread pudding. It’s disgusting? Well, excuse me. Sorry for trying to be a good host. If they don’t like it, they can rob a gourmet food bazaar next time. No, I’m not going to let it go. They are still guests in our house and guests don’t make the rules. We do. I’m not raising my voice, this is my natural volume. They are free to leave anytime. No one put a gun to their heads.
Where did I learn to fight like that? Hitting someone with a fire extinguisher isn’t really fighting per se. It seemed like a good use of an emergency apparatus. Plus, you’re supposed to change those out every seven years or so. And it’s been about seven years. Drag them both outside and I’ll thaw the pudding.
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