Invisibility Hires

 

Hiring practices taking hiring practice. You can’t learn overnight what takes some people a lifetime to master. But you can try. I’m in no position to hire right now, but that’s not going to stop me unfurling my body into a power position. And why should it? Why should I let limitations like fire codes dictate my overwhelming desire for growth? What are sprinklers for? I need help – lots of it. 

Hiring, once the bête noire of enfant terribles searching for a rasion d’être under loaves of pain has become the cause célèbre of dauphins secretly dying to be agneaux. I hired ten people last night and I’ll do the same later this afternoon. They are all different in their own wild way. But these new hires are special. They check a box, to be sure. They have a way of not getting in the way. How? Easy. After speaking at length from an arm’s length with a valued member of my staff, I opted for invisibility and inclusion. Invisible coworkers may not get as much done as visible workers, but they also don’t obstruct your egress. When a fire does happen, they don’t block the exits. They’re not hoarding hand soap or pilfering the supply closet of magic markers, legal pads and cheese. You read that right. I keep cheese there. I’d rather rodents gnaw on some Jarlsberg than my cherished number 2 pencils. They don’t moan about lunch breaks or make it a point to raise uncomfortable issues like money and time off. 

Invisible employees are also totally carbon neutral. I dare you to find their footprints in the thickest snow or the wettest mud. It can’t be done. You can’t do it. In an era when everyone seems to crave “being seen,” it’s nice to work with people you can’t see. There’s never an awkward moment around taking my lucky chair or eating my lunch. The one downside is that the feeling of being watched takes some getting used to. However, as a deeply religious man with a direct line to the Big Guy a few flights up, what’s the difference? God is always watching, even if at times you hope he’s like a distracted security guard dunking a doughnut into a Styrofoam cup of coffee and ignoring what’s happening on the closed-circuit TV. Even if that’s true, he can always review the footage at a later date. 

Invisibility hiring is coming. You watch. In a business that craves clarity, who's clearer than the invisible? 

There’s no need to worry about a robot taking your job, or someone with more qualifications. Nobody's taking your job. Nobody wants your job. Nobody wants your life. Nobody wants your dog. Nobody's going to walk up to your boss and demand a raise. Nobody's going to use the last of your mustard, spreading it out over several days and pieces of rye. Don’t look now, but nobody’s home.

And to think, nobody saw it coming.