Takin' Up Space

A week or so ago, sleep-deprived and heavily-medicated scientists scrambling for good news amid the alien fever gripping the nation, noticed hundreds of unexplained radio bursts originating from a distant galaxy. This is a transcription of what they heard… 

DJ: Korax from Andromeda, what’s on your mind today?

Korax: Hi, Johnny, first time caller, long time listener. What’s going on with the Circinus Highway? I pay my taxes and my daily commute is full of asteroids, comets and every other rock that’s been around since the Big…BEEEEEEEEEP…Bang. 

 

DJ: Easy there, Korax. Hey, somebody in the booth. You guys awake? C’mon fellas, what am I paying you for? Did anyone hit the dump button before that went out over space? Hello?

 

Producer: Hey Johnny, we caught it in time.

DJ: Phew. I guess that’s why there’s a 7 light-second delay. Korax, I’m gonna have to hang up if you do that again. So please watch what you’re saying. Remember, you're on extraterrestrial radio. This isn’t Alpha Centuri – there are rules here. 

Korax: Sorry, Johnny. I just get so carried away sometimes with all these guv’ment bureaucrats. Is a smooth highway really too much to ask?

DJ: Apparently it is. Korax, thanks for the call. Let’s go to um, how about, Sol in deep space.

Sol: Johnny, can you hear me? 

DJ: You’re on the space, Sol. What’s on your mind?

Sol: I have a young kid and he’s pestering me about taking him into a black hole for his 18^th birthday. I know what Newton's law says Johnny, but I think I should wait until the turns 21. 

DJ: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Sol, but did it occur to you that he’s already been in one? That he’s simply asking you permission to placate your own sense of paternal control. Kids today, huh? There’s nothing you can hide from them. Thanks for the call.

Sol: But John-

DJ: Our 15^th caller this hour will receive a gift certificate for Café Kuiper, a proud sponsor of this radio program. Café Kuiper, serving great dishes for going on two hundred eons. Nuke, you there?

 

Nuke: Yes, Johnny. I’m here. 

 

DJ: Welcome to Takin’ Up Space. Nuke, I have great news for you. You’re going to Café Kuiper. Bring your appetite and loose belt. Congratulations. 

Nuke: That’s wonderful, but is it a nuclear fusion restaurant? 

DJ: Of course it is. Who you gonna take? 

Nuke: My wife, I think.

DJ: Not your girlfriend? Only kidding, Nuke, stay on hold so my producer can take down all your information. And what’s your favorite radio station?

Nuke: W-G-L-X.

DJ: That’s right. You’re listening to WGLX – rockin' the galaxy since before the Big Bang. Someone in my earpiece is telling me to wish a big galactic hello to several uninvited guests eavesdropping from far away. You know who you are.

*high pitch screech

DJ: How about a song? This one goes out to Carol and Quasar on their two trillionth wedding anniversary. It’s Hubble Melvin and The Blue Dwarfs with their number one hit, “If You Don’t Know Meteors By Now.”

*static static static

DJ: That sure takes me back to another time and another place. Mornings watching Solar Train with Don Cornebulous. Those were the days. Speaking of another place, come on down to Van Allen Chevrolet this Saturday. I’ll be there all afternoon signing copies of my best-selling book, Waste of Space: The Life and Times of a Galactic Shock Jock. Van Allen Chevrolet - the best deals on used vehicles in the observable universe.

 

*faint music rug in the background

DJ: My producers are waving at me. You know what that means. I’ve taken up space this evening. And remember: one if by land, two if by galaxy. See ya in orbit, everybody.

Announcer: Dark Matters with Ray Gamma is up next. Support for Takin’ Up Space with Super Johnny Nova is paid for by listeners like you. 

*more static, beeping, major interference…END OF TRANSMISSION