Big Sister

Hello there. This is your government speaking. If you’re reading this, then may we first congratulate you on being chosen for our “Big Sister” totalitarian pilot program. You’re one of the lucky few, until we can use eminent domain to clear enough brush and affordable housing for several dozen sparkling reeducation camps. You’re furiously scratching your head right now, letting the dandruff rain down on your far-from-clean keyboard. That’s not a guess, it’s a fact. As long as we’re on the subject, you should get the can of the air from underneath your desk and go in for a quick blow. Dead skin wreaks havoc on a computer’s fragile hard drive.

What’s all this about? We’ve been watching you for a long time, interfering whenever possible. We’re the reason you got thrown out of summer camp in the 10^th grade. Don’t get mad at us. You were far too old to be bunking in a cabin with children. Your slight stature notwithstanding, summer camp isn’t for people cramming for the SATs. 

Big Brother was a failed experiment. Brothers are too nosy, too aggressive. Their role in society is quantified by the number of wedgies given per annum and qualified by the constant specter of physical torment. After 75 years, it’s time we moved on and tried something new. We’ve chosen the plush fabric of sisterhood to represent government in action.

It’s kinda gentler, too. Though emotional terror and passive aggression are things few governments have tried, let alone mastered, we’re here to stay, so stay tuned. This isn’t the Big Brother of yesterday, butting in and abusing you. Nor is it the obsessive compulsiveness of the Nanny State. This is something different. Big Sister has your best interest. You can tell her anything. You can trust her. She won’t tell your parents or friends what’s gotten into you.

Put a towel under the door if it makes you feel better. But there’s not much you need to do now. That time will come, probably when you least expect it. Maybe when you’re conditioning your scalp. Anytime, anywhere, to do anything. Keep the tyranny, hold the toxic masculinity. Not a bad recipe for social engineering. Can you tell we’re excited?

Love what you’ve done with the place. See you soon.