Defacing Facts

With so many historic monuments in need of a good old-fashioned scrub down, many of us are out looking for sponges wherever they rest. No sink is safe. I’m no vandal, but I often wondered why defacing has so little to do with the face of the statues in question. Couldn’t we get more creative than spray painting obscenities across the base? You’d like to think so.

There are lots of ways to do this and pretty much all of them are hilariously funny. One dilemma that faces the defacer is what to do with the bearded figures of yore. What do I mean by this? For one thing, an easy way to destroy the credibility of someone is to scribble an absurd beard or grotesque mustache on them. This primal urge is the same reason sharpies are banned from waiting rooms. Otherwise, the doctor’s stack of Golf Digest quickly transforms into Pirates Quarterly, with dark eyepatches, bandanas and a stick-figure parrot adorning the shoulder of a seasoned putter. You think you have the yips now? Try sinking a birdie putt with a talking birdie shouting down your caddy, more concerned about the worms on the green than its contours. 

But when staring at a biblical beard, there's very little room for additional follicles. Something else is demanded. Like lopping off their head or lengthening the mane of a ceremonial steed. 

That aside, defacing monuments is serious business. But why just the face? Dehandsing seems like fun. Dewinging is a happy hour special at your nearest sports bar. Denosing is a traditional practice usually left to gravity, destroying the nasal supremacy of many a museum-owned artifact. There are other de-[insert your favorite extremity] I could name but won’t. Take a trip to the Met if you don’t believe me. Donations are only suggested.