Redaction Sauce

From the pantry of Googlielmo Macaroni, this recipe was discovered during the foreclosure process. These sheets, stained with everything you’d find in a kitchen, plus several things you’d hope to never find, were brought back to life through forensic archaeologists working for clams. Not clams as in money, but clams. As in cherrystones, little necks, steamers. You name it, they consumed it - with lemon.

1 ream of top-secret government documents

1 cup of black ink

½ cup of balsamic vinegar

1 black Sharpie^®                

½ cup of melted butter

1 metal ruler

1 bottle of dry white wine

1 teaspoon of tarragon or rosemary

Choose the most important sections of your trove to redact first. This way, should any investigators barge in while you’re preparing things, the really seedy stuff will be safe. This could take hours or even days to sift through. But anything with “torture” in the subject line or “potentially criminal” ought to raise any alarm bells. Remember, you’re not only saving your own skin (for my chicharron recipe see page 37) but anyone else who may one day find themselves in a similar predicament. 

As a rule of thumb, cross out any name of a person you like. Vendettas can be exacted through leaving your enemies names visible. However, should they decide to testify against in a plea deal, watch out. Resist the impulse to sign your work at the end of it. This isn’t school and you’ll only be graded poorly for leaving evidence in. Showing your work is not rewarded. 

The ruler is for making clear black rectangles. Blobs, though serviceable, don’t have the same cache as an angular box running its way down a sheet of war crimes.  

The wine is for you. I’ve found from personal experience that felonies are complemented by a chilled Sancerre. 

Variations:

If this is too much work or if you’re worried about future prosecution, a paper shredder usually gets the job done. However, there are people whose entire job is to put the pieces together. 

 

Get an empty oil drum and start a sizable, contained fire to burn your documents. Don’t stand too close and always do this one outdoors. Be mindful of forest fire risk. You have enough crimes on your plate as it is.