The Lobster Shaq

“Slam dunk dining.”

“Don’t pass up an open shot at this experience.”

“End crustacean frustration once and for all.”

You’re an adult. You have a family. You have a good job and a nice house. You pay your taxes and any crime you committed during your impetuous youth was expunged the day you turned eighteen. Yet here you are, wearing a bib, slobbering like an infant, covered in specks of food, with butter stains running from your mouth to your navel. There must be a better way, right? 

Now that you’re thinking about it, you don’t even know how to use a nutcracker. And the ones lining your parents’ Steinway Grand were mercifully never subjected to actual nuts. This is a problem elsewhere – but not here. 

At the world’s first, and pending future litigation, only Lobster Shaq, our technique is both simple and reliable. Here at The Lobster Shaq, we have the only of employing Shaquille O’Neal, NBA Hall-of-Famer and all-around great guy. Instead of having diners futz with their lobster dinners, breaking little bits of shell in a haphazard manner, damaging countless corneas and prides, the honor and privilege falls solely on Mr. O’Neal. With hands once used for rebounding and dunking, he is able to dismantle a dozen lobsters in a matter of seconds. Afterwards, they are primed and ready to consume. If you're lucky, he might even start rapping. 

At the Lobster Shaq, we take hygiene very seriously, so while the food is good enough to be classified as finger-licking – nothing of the sort occurs on the premises. We can't speak for what happens in the parking lot though. Shaq hops from table to table, grabbing tails and claws, ensuring your dining experience skips all impediments. 

On behalf of Shaquille O’Neal and everyone on staff, we hope you stop on by. 

 

Shaquille O’Neal may not be on site the day you dine. He may or may not be in Maine at the time of your arrival. He may or may not have approved this message. He could be, we can’t say for sure, a relatively large man from nearby Portland who we convinced for a sizable sum of money to impersonate the b-ball legend. However, all reservations require a non-refundable deposit plus a commitment to purchase some related memorabilia. The Shaq signed miniature harpoon is a crowd favorite, as is the oyster shaped basketball. The Lobster Shaq is not liable for any injuries that occur during the lobster cracking process.