Finding a Life Couch

Has life got you down? Good, then you’re closer to solving the problem than you even know. Is life exhausting but you still can’t seem to sleep through the night? Great, then you’re almost there. Trust me, people, trust me. 

What you don’t need, what you can’t possibly afford is a full-time, live-in life coach. Where would you even put such a person? In the broom closet with your extra brooms? The trusty ones you were deeded by your Shaker Great Aunt who left this world without so much as a lacquered rocking chair to her good name. The basement isn’t a safe place either. I know that people are always deriding others for living in basements, but yours is heavy on the radon and light on everything else – including canned beans and jarred nut butter. 

How many of you have hired a life coach thinking it would solve your many problems? I see lots of hands. Okay, okay, put ‘em down.

 

What you need is a life couch, a piece of certified therapeutic furniture that doesn’t judge (lest it be judged). You don’t sleep on such a couch, you pass out after a day of sun-staring or what’s called a heliotropic cure-all. It worked for Galileo, so who are you to argue with those results? I know all about his house arrest, but here’s the thing, we remember GG today, his legacy is secure. There’s not much time spent assessing and reassessing your day. What transpired is done and only thing you are left to troubleshoot is whether or not to sleep on the couch as is or unroll the full-sized mattress stored beneath.

But wait, there’s more.

For a limited time only, we’ll throw in a “friend table” to go with your specially designed life couch. Aren’t you sick of good buddies flaking on you claiming they have better plans? Well, this piece of upholstery is an upright member of the living room. It stays there until you say it’s time to hit the donation bucket. 

Hold on. What’s that? I’m listening to my earpiece. Dave, you can’t talk while I’m talking, how many times have we been through this? What’s that? Oh, great. You’re going to love this, people. That’s right, you guessed it, there’s even more. For the next fifteen minutes, we’re offering an exclusive deal. Order a life couch plus the friend table and we’ll add a brand new “storage advice.” This little piece of hardware may look small, but boy does it contain some real gemstones. Inside is everything you ever wanted to know. Unsure what to tell your teenager about dropping out of high school to join a militant group of traveling carnies? Or maybe you can’t fry an egg to perfection. The storage advice won’t give you options, it will give you decisions – the right one or your money back. 

What do you think folks? They’re flying off the shelves, so you better duck. Life couches sure are heavy. Remember, living rooms are for living. All our lines are open. Talk soon.