The But Brigadoon

 

When people say, “I believe in free speech, but…” my ears perk up like a golden retriever waiting for a fire engine to pass or a piece of delectable rawhide. I get all giddy like a doberman pinscher in a room full of brand new tennis balls. A spaniel espying a freshly painted hydrant. Why? It should be obvious. The thing is, I believe in free speech, but…

Not when it comes to talking animals though. Had I run Warner Brothers during its technicolor heyday, Elmer Fudd and not Bugs Bunny would’ve been its marquee face.

Poetry should be banned. In fact, rhyming in general is a sign of intellectual and moral degradation. 

Art is not the place for original thinking. 

A single person misinterpreting a joke is enough to garner a total rewrite.

Being offended is a basic human right codified by the United Nations at the time of its original charter. I think it was the pet project of Dag Hammarskjöld or some other tall, nordic statesman. 

Who needs gun control when you have can word control instead? 

If speech is free, why does it cost me so much? 

And no type of person should ever be the subject of an insult, joke, or riducle of any kind. That includes ethnic people, religious people, disabled people, unlabeled people, godless people, stupid people, sensual people, sexual people, thin people, fat people, bald people, hairy people, smart people, funny people, boring people, damaged people, broken people, fragile people, temperate people, excessive people, aggressive people, quiet people, loud people, normal people, abnormal people, animal people, cat people, bat people, rat people, dog people, hog people, log people, brick people, night people, day people, old people, cold people, young people, fun people, smug people, papal people, smoke people, drink people, eat people, and people people who read People. 

There are billions of exceptions to every rule.