Sorry, but at this company, we are family. Willie Stargell is an honorary member of the C-Suite with a benefits and stock options. Maybe you’ve never stapled a relative’s hands together as a fun goof and a wry commentary on our collective slog towards technological obsolescence. While online bullying is on the rise, who doesn’t long for the days of a classic swirly? Is it harder to perform with the prevelance of HR departments and the rise of space-saving urinals? Naturally, but public restrooms are where this all started, many years ago, in the gym locker rooms of yore. You can either love carbonation in all its newly seltzered forms or hate having your head shoved into a flushing toilet. But you can’t do both.
How many members of this family does it take to screw in a light bulb? The correct answer is infinite, since we have a crack janitorial staff employed to do just that. They aren’t considered family. Did you invite your gardener to Thanksgiving dinner? Let me guess, you didn’t have a gardener. I bet you are under the misapprehension that you possess a green thumb. In a way, you’re right. But I’m guessing the undercooked fish is the culprit for your verdant plumage and another trip to the bathroom.
In this family, we talk behind each other’s backs all the time. We don’t have assigned seats, but neither did you growing up. We o days without speaking, sometimes even weeks. Kind of like a family. When we do communicate, we do so only out of financial necessity. Everyone here has mouths to feed and bills to pay.
So when I fire you after forgetting to empty the pencil sharpener one too many times, you should take it personally. Because it is personal. But I still expect a Christmas card every year.
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