The Satanic Purses

For fatwa season, we’re slashing our prices like infidels on a wide selection of designer purses. But for someone with your amount of baggage, we wouldn’t recommend just any old thing. No shoulder bag can shoulder your insecurities. It’d be a sin to saddle you with a saddlebag. And it’s a crime against God to lather you up in leather. No grain but full grain.

What you need is something both practical and divine. With that in mind, I think we may have the perfect thing at a heavenly discount.

Introducing, The Messenger of God bag, delivering us from evil way longer than FedEx. The newest in religious radical chic. Ordinary messenger bags are the province of couriers, filled with papers, pencils, envelopes, and a greasy bike lock. The latter indicates most urban messengers’ vehicle of choice. But long ago you traded in your Schwinn for a winged steed. And you don’t work for the Post Office, do you? Your employer is a bit higher on the corporate food chain. He’s not subject to a board of directors, customer service complaints or the HR department. He resides well above the fray, practically in the clouds. 

The question we get most often is about the available room for contraband. Since we removed the extra compartment for guilt and remorse, you can now comfortably fit Emeril Lagasse’s 36-piece stainless steel cutlery set along with an individually numbered, "ES" monogrammed wood knife block. However, we’d like to think you have a bigger imagination than that. That’s because this purse holds more than cutlery. It holds ideas, offenses, and outrages, too. You could always stuff a book in there, but reading should always be at the bottom of your to-do list.

That’s why your bag has more pockets than ever before. You need space to store any and all impure thoughts that pop up on the journey. There’s even a flap for delusions of grandeur and a specialty blasphemy pouch. We’ll throw in a gilded zipper to hem in all that repressed sexual energy. We don’t want to know what’s in there, and neither do you.

Free expression is a Western convention, but free accessories are our priority. So If you act now, you can get a second purse for 50% off. Just remember to use the promo code: BOGOD*

One day carrying this bag is equal to a thousand years holding anything from Kate Spade. That’s why we’re offering our “Holy Wear” warranty. Return anytime in the next millennia and get a free replacement, no questions asked.

The Messenger of God Bag, where fatwa meets function. Make it your jihad to get one today. Don't be a martyr and sleep on this deal. This is the purse for the pious, the sac for the spiritual. Fanatics first come, first served. For the extremist who loves extreme saving. Limited time offer, only while lies last.

*Buy One Get One Discounted