Basement, Stellar

It’s more than old hat, it’s practically ancient chapeau to say that your enemies must live in their parents’ basement. There, they are walled in by wood paneling and stuffed (sometimes soaked) cardboard boxes overflowing with photo albums, childhood art and report cards from a time when a red pen carried the weight of a knight’s scimitar. Speaking of rouge, I had an English teacher who would carry her pen everywhere in case she witnessed any hint of a capital grammar crime. She’d mark up signs at the supermarket, inserting hyphens wherever necessary. She'd add commas into church programs, going as far as to deface the Good Book, given its inconsistent capitalization and indentation. Worst of all, she'd edit poorly written bumper stickers, ignoring word play and ruining a good many highway chuckles in the hopes of educating other drivers.

But what makes basements a source of derision? And why, oh why, is it such an insult? Aside from being in direct conflict with the encroaching water table, what’s the big deal? Basements offer many things – privacy for one. While that benefit usually comes at a cost – with a musty smell that’s impossible to remove and the sound of a temperamental boiler. A person can still adapt. 

I wouldn’t recommend carpeting the floors or adopting unloved plants for a short life of subterranean infirmity. There’s barely enough light down there for human beings. But basements are safe, secure places. Let’s remember that fallout shelters aren’t found in attics or inside multi-car garages. They are down a few flights, amid the beans and the bottled water, the batteries and the bowling shoes. 

Saying someone lives in a basement is a compliment, especially when it’s a rent-free agreement alongside minimal parental supervision. Your enemies don’t live in basements. And if they do, you should be jealous. Where else can you practice drum solos without bothering the neighbors and survive an atomic bomb? When those two mandatories are considered, the list is alarmingly short.  

Here's to all the basement dwellers out there, preserving their thoughts and select vegetables for future distribution. Because even the best of ideas could benefit from a little pickling on occasion.