FINAL Revelation: Urgent Request

 

Hello there,

 

It’s me. Sorry to bother you again, but you haven’t responded to any of my previous nineteen emails. I expelled maximal effort composing each one, laboring over every syllable and paragraph break. Did you notice that I didn't repeat a single salutation*? I thought you of all people would appreciate such an odd and fruitless exercise. Were my valedictions uniformly civil? No, no, no. In fact, they got progressively more aggressive. From “the very best” and “your obedient servant” to “answer me, damnit” and “what are you so afraid of?”

 

But your silence is disturbing. Either a simple “OK” or a bulbous emoji thumbs up would go a long way towards easing my panicked mind. We both have a job to do. The truth is, I erred ever so slightly. The last time we were in the office together I told you that the project needed to be finished by EOD. When you inquired if that meant in a few hours, I chuckled, smirked and nearly choked on my mint, saying, “Not end of day, but end of days.” For this job must be settled by the apocalypse, not close of business - understandable acronym confusion.

 

While all of that remains true, what has changed is that today is the one day where EOD means both end of day and end of days. You read that right. Jumpin’ John of Patmos is surely smiling from his cloudy perch. Turns out the guy finally got something right. It only took him two thousand years. 

 

In other words, I’m gonna need you to transfer those files by 6 PM eastern. Otherwise, we’re going to have some explaining to do. And it’s not going to be me telling an archangel why things weren’t settled beforehand. The only saving grace is that most of the ensuing paperwork will be pulverized in a storm of brimstone. 

 

Looking forward to talking and if you decide to go outside, go for something fireproof. That’s to say, not a raincoat. 

 

Talk soon, hopefully. If there’s some unforeseen divine extension, you’ll be last to know. 

 

Good luck,

 

Mike

 

*Howdy. Bonjour. Greetings, friend. Salut! Hi. Buenos Dias. Shalom. G’day. What’s up? You there? Why, hello. Hey. Hiya. Good morning. Answer me. Am I missing something? Wake up. It’s me again. Jesus.