Vow of Compliance

Whenever you’re seeking wholesome family entertainment, the image of a rectangular black bar flashing across the screen is a sight for sore eyes. Only a magician has the innate genius to clearly picture what’s behind the annoying black mass. The rest of us are left dumbstruck, confused yet thankful at the merciful network heads looking out for us little people. We can’t handle the truth – whatever that may be. No one knows what they’re covering up - not exactly. All we know is that they’re protecting us from ourselves. Too bad curtailing language requires substantially more imagination. 

That’s because English’s forbidden words are limited to a paltry 26. How could that not be? You can’t have two T-words, unless anarchy is the goal – which maybe it is. So you have to pick your G-word carefully. The same goes for the Z-word, the A-word, and the yes, the M-word. Sadly, tragically, 26 words is anything but comprehensive. A never-ending list of bad words will stream into society unrestrained – an unstoppable force of highly questionable speech. This is a major problem for would-be censors. They have to be choosy. But the whole fun of censoring is that it never has to stop. You keep going until there’s nothing left to say. Nobody becomes a censor because of discretion.

There’s no way around it. The 26, that is. Unless we come together and go the monastic route, collectively taking a vow of silence. Think of what it could do. No more political or sports arguments. No more small talk with strangers waiting for the bus. No more heavy talk with intimates either. Cable news’ viewership would increase with empty tickers in the lower third of the screen. National Public Radio might be able to increase its budget with a whole new slate of No-Talk Shows. Late Night hosts wouldn’t have to practice their monologues anymore – they’d just be asked to stand silently for seven to eight minutes, staring at the audience and smiling awkwardly (a skill they've all honed through years experience). You’d never have to change the channel for fear of annoyance or aggravation. The world would instantly become a more peaceful, agreeable place. 

Are there offensive gestures? Yes, and way more than 26, in fact. But why put a limit on those?