Expanding Presidential Traditions

On days like today, the rituals should be familiar, having remained unchanged for decades, providing comfort and stability to a country desperate for both. Basically, you should know the drill by now. Staying up all night carving Grover Cleveland’s rustic features in a fresh melon. Arguing vociferously that the “L” in “Polk” be silent. Or writing a sonnet about the facial hair of Rutherford B. Hayes:

He served his country in war and in peace,

But we’re not here to consider all that,

Only thick stubble that would never cease,

Which the public likened to a dead rat. 

Few remember his time in the White House,

And in four years, he never shaved, not once.

What covered his face was half man, half mouse.

In one term he became “The Bearded Dunce.”

They said he couldn’t act presidential,

Not with bushy lips and wooly chin straps.

If anything, he looked quite rodential,

His office filled with gourmet cheese and traps.

He was years ahead of the hipster craze,

Inside each there’s some Rutherford B. Hayes.

Yes, yes, there are other methods of celebration on this fine day off. Like kissing old pennies or having a one-sided conservation with crisp dollar bills still hot from the dryer. But why must we only celebrate U.S. Presidents? There aren’t enough to go around. What about the President of a local bank, used car dealership, Elks Club, or a confederation of activist bakers? In all businesses, there are presidents and usually a good many vice presidents. Maybe they aren’t as hirsute as some of our nation’s 19^th century luminaries, but they still lead by example. 

This is their time. They honor us with sales events - discount tires, half-off croissants, BOMGOM offers (buy one melon, get one melon, free). That sort of thing. Presidents Day is about a great deal more than whoever put their feet up in the Oval Office  So the next time you are questioning cheap socks for a POTUS day clearance, pause for some reflection and realize that the person in charge of the socks is almost certainly a president. So show a little respect. Who are you to say they aren’t as accomplished as Rutherford B. Hayes? And these days, they probably have a beard to match.